This past spring I wrote a post about the crazy stuff I found myself saying out loud. Then this week I realized that, due to the Dark, Evil Vortex of Late September, October, and November, I am running completely on empty, both patience-wise and motivation-wise, which has led to some pretty questionable content coming out of my mouth. It has also led to sentence you just read that contained far too many clauses.
Here are some things I said out loud today.
“I wish explosive diarrhea upon you.” After a student hid underneath a table and grabbed my ankle.
“Did someone take my gloves on accident? Joke’s on you; they smell like dead hamsters.” They were my running gloves. And by running I mean jogging. And by jogging I mean it looks like I’m casually cross-country skiing but with no poles.
“Can I see a head nod from everyone to indicate, ‘Yes, Ms. Teach, I understand that you did not intentionally show us that advertisement?'” I was showing a YouTube video that had to do with what I was teaching, and apparently the version I looked up yesterday was different from today’s, which had an incredibly age-inappropriate advertisement preceding it. Hooray.
“Please stop losing your minds.” A good minute and a half after said advertisement was shown.
“Oh, it’s your birthday? On the count of three, everyone creepily whisper ‘Happy birthday’ to Melinda.” Have you ever done this with your class before? It’s way quieter and way more hilarious than singing.
“Eliud, you’re not allowed to talk in time out.” Keep in mind I teach 8th grade.
“You did your packet in hot pink pen? Who do you think you are, Kim Kardashian?” I don’t know why I chose this celebrity—I have no knowledge of her ever having written in hot pink pen. Also, this was a male student. Also, I KEEP A PENCIL CUP ON MY TABLE.
“Bye, don’t participate in any stupid or reckless behavior.” I say this to my classes as I dismiss them every Friday.
“I love throwing away other people’s trash! It’s my favorite!” I think I read somewhere that middle school teachers in particular should avoid using sarcasm with their students. Oops.
“Whoever organized the binders without being asked shall feast in Valhalla!” I’ve been thinking about Vikings a lot lately.
“Because the government.” In response to, “Miss, why do we have so many more kids in our class this year?"
“Oh, look! You’re tardy.” Then I laughed way harder than necessary.
“Well, could you see that singing ‘You got a fast car’ repeatedly was upsetting him?” Just another day of middle school conflict mediation.
"I can't." After school, out loud, alone in my classroom, upon considering and immediately rejecting the idea of changing my bulletin board.
Come on, Thanksgiving. Mama needs you.