5 Dinners You Can Make During Testing Season That Aren't Good for You But Are Probably Better Than Fast Food (Maybe) and Don't Involve Chopping

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Man, I am really on fire with these self-explanatory post titles!

Listen. I would love to be one of those people who teaches all day, works on creative writing for my MFA program in the evenings, and then makes myself some kind of amazing, healthy caveman-diet homemade dinner to top it all off. But the reality is, once my day is done, I WANT TO EAT EVERYTHING AND I DON’T WANT IT TO TAKE ANY TIME AT ALL.

I mean, unless I happen to have a lot of energy that day, I don’t even want to chop anything. Did you hear me? NOTHING.

I would also like to make it clear that I am a spokeswoman for zero of the foods here. In fact, I think if they knew I was featuring their products they would say, “Oh, actually Ms. Teach, we prefer to be endorsed by individuals who are sane. But we appreciate the sentiment.”

Moving on.

Here are five dinners I've eaten lately that I'm only admitting to because the vast majority of you don't know who I am.

1. Trader Joe’s Frozen Macaroni and Cheese

This really is the best frozen macaroni and cheese. The Internet agrees with me.

Sometimes I like to take it out of the plastic and put it on a fancy china dish and pretend I made it myself, and that I’m a classy, artistic, has-her-life-together blogger like The Pioneer Woman.

And sometimes I realize the only fancy china I have is a tea set. Oops.

Yes, that is a sweatshirt on the floor of my living room. No, I'm not sorry.

2. Popcorn and Wine

Ah. Is there anything better than this combination? No, I say.

As a popcorn connoisseur, I can say with absolute certainty that the fluffiest, tastiest brand of popcorn is Pop Secret Homestyle. It pairs well with any kind of wine, because no wine is bad wine, am I right? Featured here is a rare Pinot I bought on my last trip to Napa from a vineyard irrigated by warmed, imported glacier water that has been prayed over by monks.

Hahaha, just kidding. Let’s just say I paid for it with a $5 bill. And got change back.

3. Cereal Out of a Mixing Bowl

Not responsible for words my guests spell with Scrabble magnets.

If you can eat a normal-sized bowl of cereal for dinner and not still be hungry afterward, you must either be delusional or weigh only 45 pounds.

Being a person who weighs more than 45 pounds, I bypass my cereal bowls altogether when I'm having cereal for dinner and go straight for a mixing bowl. (The smaller 2-quart size, because I’m reasonable.)

If I’m feeling like a good girl, I go with Life, Honey Nut Cheerios, or Mini Wheats.

If I’m feeling like coating the inside of my intestines with poison, it’s Chocolate Lucky Charms, and I never regret it.

4. Pop-Tarts and Microwaveable Vegetables to Make Yourself Feel Better about the Pop-Tarts

That's right.

The world of microwaveable vegetables has expanded significantly in recent years, but I stick with plain steamed broccoli to punish my upstairs neighbor, whose giant boxer does laps around her apartment every morning exactly 20 minutes before my alarm goes off, no matter what time I have it set for*.

You can’t really go wrong with the Pop-Tart flavor (I’m partial to blueberry). But whatever you do, remember this, and repeat after me:

Pop-Tarts without frosting are for people in prison.

Thank you. You are dismissed.**

5. Hummus With Seriously Almost Anything in My Fridge/Pantry

My favorite hummus. Too spicy, some say. I say NAY

Crackers, pretzels, baby carrots, cherry tomatoes, popcorn, rolled up lunch meat. Sometimes I just grab a Pepperidge Farm Pirouette and suck up the hummus through it, like a straw. HAHA. Sorry. I just grossed myself out. I don’t do that with Pirouettes. It would be disrespectful.

Well, there you have it, folks. My debut into the world of culinary blogging.

Now in the comments section give me all your recipes that take less than 5 minutes, involve no chopping, and are better for me than Pop-Tarts.



*Just kidding, I actually like her boxer. I also just like steamed broccoli. But it’s totally true that my apartment complex is so old that cooking smells and the sound of human/canine footsteps travel between units effortlessly. Also, I’m aware that my last sentence ended in a preposition, but what am I supposed to do, “For what time I have it set, there is no matter”? That just makes me sound like my body has briefly been taken over and channeled by the spirit of an 18th century English gentleman***. Grammar is dumb sometimes.

**This will be the line that sends people home when I start my own reality dating show for teachers.

***Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad, AMIRIGHT

19 Things That Happen When You’re a Teacher

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

1) Your hairstyle begins to follow this continuum:

2) You buy things and have them shipped to the school so you don’t have to lug them from your house.

3) You can easily spot the difference between someone reading a book in their lap and texting. Nobody smiles at their lap.

4) You find yourself going into Teacher Mode outside of school. Or at least wanting to. For instance, I spoke to quite possibly the rudest pharmacist in the history of rude pharmacists on Tuesday morning, and I was very, very close to issuing her a lunch detention.

5) Your classroom becomes more and more like a separate apartment. My students joke that I live at school, since I have a microwave, mini fridge/freezer, Keurig, a couch, lamps, pillows, blankets, and cleaning supplies. It’s one of those jokes that is both funny and sad.

6) You are able to have extremely enthusiastic conversations about microwaveable meals, discounts, and shoes with no heels.

7) You do your grocery shopping before school now at the grocery store near your school. And you run into other teachers there.

8) People say you’re patient, but you know that really you’re almost completely desensitized to the frustration of nobody listening to you or doing anything you ask.

9) The people who work the cell phone, skin care, and makeup kiosks at the mall don’t even bother approaching you because you have perfected Teacher Walk, a gait whose velocity and solemnity is exceeded only by military marching.

10) Being able to fix the copier gives you a profound sense of purpose.

11) Not being able to fix the copier makes you want to rear back and kick it, no matter who's watching.

12) You dread Valentine’s Day and Halloween. And if either of them falls on a Friday, GOD HELP US ALL.

13) Stress makes you hallucinate. Like when I saw a dumpster rising above the school rooftop to be emptied and I thought it was a dinosaur, or when I saw this whatever-it-is in the faculty parking lot and for weeks thought it was a dead baby squid.

14) You find yourself using bad words outside of school way more than you normally would just because you can.

15) You don't realize until you get weird looks from strangers in public that you: 
  • Are still wearing a macaroni necklace/ tie-dye faculty t-shirt/binder clip in your hair that you were using in place of a hair tie
  • Have stray pen marks covering your forearms, making you resemble an overzealous kindergartner
  • Have one or more articles of clothing on backward

16) You’ve gone to more sports games, concerts, competitions, and shows than anyone you know this year. FOR FREE.

17) You can have an angry parent eating out of the palm of your hand in less than fifteen minutes. Or you can have an angry parent continue to hate you and be emotionally unaffected, both of which are admirable.

18)You find texts on your phone in the morning that people sent you at 9:14 PM. You were probably well into REM by then.

19) You start wondering what the adults you know were like when they were the ages of your current students. And sometimes it scares you.

I drew the picture for number 1 on the back of a worksheet that I am returning to a student tomorrow.

I'm not crossing it out.

I feel fine about it.



9 Ways to Survive When Your School Heater is the Worst

Thursday, January 15, 2015

How my school feels right now.

I love my school, but our heater really is the worst. In past years, it would be mid-morning before the whole building was warmed. This year it decided it had had enough and started blowing out cold air only, like an obstinate child. I posted a Facebook status about this situation earlier this week, and was surprised to find how not uncommon it is to have not-awesome central heating. Freezing teachers unite!

Despite my misery, I have been very impressed by the creativity and innovation of my colleagues and I for the past week as our heater gets fixed. I wanted to share ways we've learned to cope with our little Arctic tundra.

1. Microwave a cup of water and dip your hands in it repeatedly. Be sure you have gloves or mittens to slip into directly afterwards, or your hands will be in a Jack-at-the-end-of-Titanic-type situation.

2. Print off blank Word documents and hold the warm paper. Sometimes if nobody is watching I hug it, too. Heavenly.

3. Hold your hands next to the projector fan. Ahhhhhh.

4.  Assign a student the task of breathing on your hands. But good luck explaining that one to your administrator when he/she drops in.

5. Find someone with a class pet and ask to cuddle it. The only class pet I can think of at our school is a giant snake, which I don’t think would be warm, even after Googling it.

6.Wear a headband over your nose. Will keep your nose warm* without affecting your ability to yell at students who are still running in the hallways 6 months into the school year.

7. Invest in a Keurig and make a cup of coffee, tea, or hot chocolate every five minutes. Or make yourself a hot toddy! Just kidding! Wait until you get home!

8. If the heater is broken enough to demand that you wear mittens indoors, use two Q-tips to type your emails. It’s not as bad as you’d think.

9. Create a bonfire in the center of your classroom using standardized testing manuals and professional development books you never asked for.  Hahahaha. Isn't it pretty to think so?

I hope your heater is less of a jerk than mine is.

And if you teach on a tropical island don’t talk to me.



*first I typed “news,” as in, “It will keep your news warm,” and it is still making me laugh. MY  NEWWWWS IS KEWWWWWLD

My 2015 New Year's Teaching Pseudo-Resolutions

Sunday, December 28, 2014

I wish I could say it's been a good year, but if my 2014 were a person, she would be the love child of Ursula and Voldemort.  

Or maybe the love twins of Joffrey and Regina George.

What I'm trying to say is that I am very, very ready for 2015.

I don't really believe in New Year's resolutions. I don't think I've ever actually kept one for more than a month, and I just kind of see it as an additional way for me to eventually hate myself. With that in mind, I've created these pseudo-resolutions that I think are do-able, don't require a ton of work on my part, and won't induce deep, abiding shame if I don't get around to it. 

1) Tape down the cords and wires that currently run wild across my classroom floor like the vines in Jumanji 

As entertaining it is for both my students and me, I'm kind of tired of tripping over them almost daily.

2) Try to remember to take attendance 

Notice I did not make this quantifiable. That's how I like to set goals. 

3) Try to remember to wear my ID badge more

This one won't be hard since I think I wore it three times last semester. 

4) Do yoga... or something. 

I'm a much happier human when I work out in the mornings before school. Yoga would be great, but I'll also settle for hypocritically running down the hallway to catch and punish running students or holding a class wall-sit competition. 

5) Build a sense of community via Friday Teacher Treats

A friend of mine works in Austin, Texas, where she and her coworkers are on a rotating schedule of bringing each other breakfast tacos every Friday. Doesn't that sound magical?

I'm pretty sure if I can get my hallway in on something like this, all our students will pass all their standardized tests. It may also close the education gap.

I'll let you know how this theory plays out.

6) Look for the Jennifer Lawrence in Frustrating Work Person

Right now my way of dealing with my Frustrating Work Person is simply trying to avoid him at all costs, which doesn't feel like the right way to deal with anything, let alone a person. Instead of this, I've decided to pretend he's Jennifer Lawrence and I've just found out I'm sitting next to her on a plane and am trying to win her friendship by being friendly and kind but, like, totally low-key about it.

Don't lie. You think about celebrity airplane friendships when you fly, too.

(Or if you didn't, now you will.)

7) Don't put anything related to school in the back seat of car unless absolutely necessary 

Earlier this year I had so much school junk in the back seat that I actually moved up my passenger seat SO THAT I COULD FIT MORE JUNK IN THE BACK SEAT. Then a very tall man got in the passenger seat* and he pretty much had to ride with his kneecaps in his eyeball sockets because I couldn't even move the seat back due to the 30 plastic tubs that had made my car their permanent home.

8) Keep school whining to under 30 seconds 

I'm allowing myself to go over, but for every additional 30 seconds I have to first either do 10 push-ups or 30 crunches. I'll either stop whining or become totally jacked, either of which would be terrific!

The year's motto will be, "Less crap. More fun." 

I believe in you, 2015.



P.S. What are your New Year's pseudo-resolutions?

*Just realized this sounds like a random man climbed in my car. Don't worry. He was invited.

A New Story: a poem by 24 of my 8th graders

Monday, December 15, 2014

We just wrapped up our poetry unit, and as a culminating assignment I had my students write a poem of their own. I gave them total creative license in writing it (no form/length requirements), but they had to turn in a paragraph along with it in which they analyze their own poem for theme, structure, literary devices, tone, and diction. We've been working on these things all year, so this was kind of a big assessment of their skills. 

Their poems (and analyses!) were awesome. We did a gallery walk last Friday and the look of pride on their faces-- for their own poems as well as their classmates-- totally melted my grinchy little heart that has been twisted up in finals, emails, and other end-of-the-year tomfoolery.

As kind of a way to show my appreciation for how hard they worked, I took one line from each of their poems per class and arranged it into a class poem, which I'm going to give it to them after their final exam as a Christmas present because it is free. Yay!

Then I arranged another mega poem using lines from 24 students in various classes instead of just one. The entire thing is written by my students-- these come from poems about their families, friends, themselves... one was even from a poem about cheese! All I did was arrange the lines and add punctuation and line breaks in some cases.

Here it is!

A New Story

I guess we are like seasons.
I learned that in a way that is known as “the hard way.”
Ask the scars for yourself.
They speak to everyone.

Everyone comes and goes
In and out of your life
Just like the door that’s never locked
Every alley filled with darkness
And no matter what, always against the odds.
It’s like getting dipped in pain.
Black is the universe,
Blank, like the spot next to me
That moment where you feel alone in your soul.

But then
A shout echoes through the darkness,
And a hand takes up yours,
Pulls your weapons away.
You rode a white horse into my life,
You were the person that taught me I’m worth something,
You lifted me up into the light,
Ripping all the bad pages from my heart,
And handing me a new pen to start writing a new story
Under the beautiful sky.

In my book you will never be forgotten.

You filled it with flowers. 

Isn't that sweet? I hope this made you feel a little better than Christmas traffic does.

You fill my story with flowers.



Why I Hate Going to My Students' Games

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Each year, I get a little better at understanding what it means to support my students. My first year, I had no clue. I thought that to be a good teacher I would just need to be like Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds; that if I handed out candy bars and told my students that they matter, they would instantly cooperate and do whatever I ask.

(No offense, Hollywood, but that’s a ton of crap.)

Now that I have the teaching thing more under control, I’m able to support my students as people. I look forward to their concerts for choir, orchestra, and band. I love seeing the artwork they create. I’m always psyched for the night of the talent show and the school plays. But sports games are another story.

You see, I work in a district whose neighborhoods represent a variety of income brackets. Some schools in the district are a part of one of the country’s wealthiest zip codes. Other schools, Title I schools like mine, are in a different part of town and have a high percentage of students labeled at-risk and on free or reduced lunch. When my school’s sports teams play against schools similar to ours, it’s usually fine. But sometimes when we play the more wealthy schools, it’s difficult for me to be there on the sidelines.

A few weeks ago, some of my students on the boys’ basketball team asked if I would come to their game that evening. I told them I would, then asked who they were playing.

“Woodridge!” they told me. “We’re going to beat them this year, Miss!”

My heart sank.

Woodridge Middle School (which is not actually the school’s name), is the wealthiest school in the district. They consistently have the highest test scores, the greatest amount of parent involvement and financial support, and easily the best sports teams. I can count the number of times I have seen or heard of our teams beating theirs on one hand.

“I’ll be there!” I told them. I gave them a thumbs-up.

After they left, I let out a sigh. My boys were so excited, and I’d already told them I would go. I did want to support them and let them know how much I value them and their interests, but I already dreaded going. I knew what would await me.

I knew I would see the look on my students’ faces as they stole glances at the other team warming up. They would see their brand-new shoes. Their effortless lay-ups from years of playing in community leagues, their camaraderie from knowing each other since kindergarten because they don’t move as much as the families at my school do.

I knew I would see the Woodridge side of the bleachers full—parents, grandparents, siblings, and students who were able to have their parents drop them back off at school just to see the game. I would look at our side of the bleachers and see about half as many people there. I would know that one of our players’ mom works the night shift and will never see a game. I would know that less than half of our players would ever have both parents there cheering them on.

I knew I would hear the parents of the other team grumbling—sometimes quietly, sometimes belligerently-- about my students’ fouls, their lack of sportsmanship, and I would know that they are right, and I would wish that these parents could understand that it’s not because my students are bad or scary but it’s because they haven’t had someone around to teach them the value of those things.

I knew I would hear one particularly loud Woodridge parent yell something like, “What are you doing, ref? Are you just going to let number 55 stomp all over our boys?” and I would see number 55, my student, and he would hear it, and I would see his face tense up with a rage that know runs much deeper than this basketball game and I would see him miss all his free throws after that.

I knew I would watch Woodridge take the lead by ten points, then twenty, then fifty. Then I would see the Woodridge coach call a time-out, and in the huddle all his players would smile suddenly, and I would know that the coach had just told his players that they have to stop scoring.

Then after that I knew I would see a Woodridge player make a lay-up, and his point guard would shout, “Hey, coach said we’re not supposed to score!” and the other player would shout back, “What am I supposed to do, just give it to them?”, and I would see the look on my players’ faces as this exchange would happen.

Then I knew I would go up to my students after the game. I would say, “Hey, you did great!” and they would hang their heads and mumble something, and they would all look like their spirits had been punctured, and I would get a lump in my throat because I would know how much this game meant to them, and they would know that I was saying what I was saying to make them feel better.

I knew these things because it always happens. Every year, year after year, every game when we play teams like this. In football. Basketball. Volleyball. All the school sports.

And I hate watching it. When I go to games where we play Woodridge or schools similar to them, I distract myself from what’s going on around me by being obnoxiously upbeat to the point where I often annoy myself. I bring posters. I yell things about sports that don’t make any sense (i.e. “GET THIS REBOUND, WOLVERINES!” when it’s about to be the first shot of a set of two free throws.)  I do this in the hope that their crazy, screaming teacher will, by comparison, make losing feel just a little less embarrassing.

I should be clear that I’m not trying to say I hate going to games because of Woodridge, or that this is Woodridge’s fault. They are not bad people—the coaches, the parents, the players. In fact, I went to a school like Woodridge and I very much value my education and childhood there. I don’t hate Woodridge. And I don’t hate the fact that my students lose.

I hate poverty.

I hate the systems in place that are keeping down neighborhoods like the one where I teach.

I hate that my students have less of a chance—at everything—because of circumstances they can’t help.

I hate how their sports games remind me of all of this.

And most of all, I hate that I don’t know what to do about it except to keep teaching in my little classroom, to keep hoping things get better, to keep showing up, and to keep being loud.

We actually beat Woodridge in that game a few weeks ago. It was a nailbiter—I’m pretty sure it took a couple of years off my life—but we came out on top. My boys were true sportsmen, in every sense of the word. When I talked to them after the game, they didn’t say anything negative about the other team, or the Woodridge fans being vocal at the refs (and on some occasions, at them), or even about winning. In fact, they could barely say anything because of how huge their smiles were. The second I got into my car in the parking lot, I put my head in my hands and cried.

It felt like I’d just had a small taste of the world I dream of.



A Thankful List, From a Lady and a Huntsman

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

 Family and friends top the list, per usual. But here’s the rest of my “thankful” list:

-DEVOLSON IS OVER!!! Fill the goblets! Bring out the pheasant! Strike the lyre and play a merry tune on the lute! The Dark, Evil Vortex of Late September, October and November is but a dark and distant memory! (Can you tell I miss Game of Thrones?) 

-My student teacher. I can’t talk about her too long or I’ll start crying. But she’s an angel. Here is what 90% of our conversations look like:

Me: I’m a terrible human. I’m a mess. I’M THE WORST!
Her: No you’re not! Here, do you want a cookie?
Me: Yes. (with crumbs flying out of my mouth) Do you know where I put the vocab quizzes?
Her: Oh, I graded them and recorded the grades in your binder for you when you weren’t looking. And then I filed them in their student folders. 
Me: Are you sure you want to marry your fiancé and not me?
Her: Yes.

She’ll come around one day.

-Carbs. Have you made it to my Pinterest board for DEVOLSON food? I think I’m going to rename it “Highway to Diabetes,” or maybe “Elastic Pants Are My Soul Mate, #blessed.” I made these ham and cheese sliders for our faculty Thanksgiving potluck and my principal loved it so much he started crying, right there in the teacher’s lounge in front of everyone.

Just kidding. But everyone loved them..

Speaking of carbs, a few years ago I started making leftover Thanksgiving grilled cheese sandwiches that I would highly recommend. Layer one piece of buttered sourdough bread (or something sturdy), Havarti cheese, leftover turkey, another piece of cheese, stuffing (spread thin-like), cranberry sauce, your other piece of bread. Grill on low so the cheese has plenty of time to melt and your butter crisps up like it was born to do. It’ll change you.

-Moving up with last year's students. My students came to me last year fresh out of 6th grade, super behind where they needed to be, and definitely unfamiliar with working hard. Yesterday as I was grading their analysis essays on Anne Frank, I realized how far they have come. I found myself writing things like, “Wow—great point. I never thought of it that way,” and “Nice justification here” and “Holy cow! This is college-level thinking!” Ramon, one of my nuggets whose very first essay for me in 7th grade probably contained a total of four correctly-spelled words, turned in an essay that probably contained a total of four misspelled words. I know sharing this probably sounds conceited and/or braggy, but I don’t really care, because they’ve worked really, really hard, and I’ve worked really, really hard, and in teaching, especially at a Title I school, you just really have to savor and remember moments like I had yesterday during grading. 

-Frozen meals. Between this year’s DEVOLSON and being in grad school full time, it’s a wonder I’ve even remembered to eat things. Frozen meals have been a total lifesaver this semester. My favorites: anything Amy’s brand, the meatloaf and mashed potato Lean Cuisines, and, if you’re feeling particularly naughty, Beecher’s in Seattle makes this frozen macaroni and cheese that may just make your face fall off from dairy splendor.

-This pencil sharpener. Some of you held my hand this summer as I made the important decision on which pencil sharpener to get (thank you), and I don’t regret this one at all. Christopher, also known as X-Acto Teacher Pro, is a fine gentleman and we love him very much.

-Workshop teaching method. Oh, man. This has changed my life. It requires very careful and specific procedures being in place, but is so totally worth it. “Here are your assignments for the next three days. Work at your own pace. I’ll be checking in on you.” It’s. The. Best.

-Dogs. I want to adopt an adult dog over Christmas break and name him/her after a character from literature. What do you think? (Note: this is actually a cry for help. I need a reasonable, logical person to talk me out of it and tell me they are expensive and I don’t have enough time for one.)

-This poem. The past few months have been pretty brutal for me, not as a teacher, but as a lady and a human*. I came across this poem in my reading for grad school, and I think it has saved my life in a small but important way. If you’ve found yourself in a rut, or a valley, or a pit full of snakes, or whatever you want to call it, or even if things are great and beautiful and perfect for you (yay!), I hope this poem is something for you to hold onto.

(Something onto which you may hold? Grammar is so stupid sometimes.)

-You turkeys. I love hearing from you—your crazy stories, your notes of encouragement and solidarity, your reassurance that I’m not as much of a freak as I think (and occasionally the one person who’s like, “Whoah, you are a freak,” and I’m thankful for you, too, because you make me laugh out loud). This year in particularly I’m just very thankful to know you and feel heard. So thank you, and go buy yourself a milkshake for being so awesome.

An overflowing cornucopia of love,


Besides family and friends, what are you thankful for? Tell me right now. Pretty please. Also share your recipes with me.

*later I reread this phrase and thought I'd said that I was a lady and a hunstman and it made me cackle.