What you've missed recently in room 247:
1) I demonstrated for my 7th period exactly how I would chokeslam each of them in rapid succession up against one of my walls. This was to appease a skeptic student demanding that I "prove it" when I responded to the question, "Miss, what would you do if NONE of us turned in our homework on Friday?" *
2) I received one of the most subtle and artful insults of my life. A student in my 4th period asked why I always say, "Don't do anything stupid this weekend and come back to me in one piece!" at the end of class every Friday. I explained that I have to threaten them because I would be really sad if anything bad ever happened to my students since I don't have any friends or family.
"You're not married?" he asked.
"No. Don't you think I would have said that in my About Me Powerpoint at the beginning of the year?"
"Oh," he laughed. "I guess so."
"What made you think I was married?"
"Nothing. Just the way you dress. Welp, have a good weekend, Miss!"
Don't worry; I will only think about that comment every time I open my closet, get dressed, look at myself in any mirror, or go shopping.
3) I'm having strange dreams. I had a dream that one of my students turned into a chimpanzee, then a teacup, then a cannon that blew bubbles, then Frederick Douglass**. I need to limit my Harry Potter reading before bedtime. Or stop teaching. One of the two.
4) I learned that our school library desperately needs updating. I noticed that one of my Baddies was very distracted during silent reading time. There's a very specific way to speak to Baddies, and with this one I've learned that he will never act out if I whisper to him, even when I'm redirecting his behavior.
"Dereon," I said in a voice slightly louder than a baby's breathing. "I've noticed that you're not reading at all. For most of this week. Ever."
He just shrugged and pouted. 8th graders are remarkably similar to 1st graders.
"Can I see your book?"
I flipped the cover over. There were a bunch of white kids with their arms around each other. It looked real stupid. I opened the book and read a few lines. It was.
"Can I help you pick out a new book?" I asked, still whispering. "This might not be the right one for you."
"Yeah," he agreed, following me to my bookshelf. "That one's gay as shit, Miss."
I felt 30 collective gasps at my back.
Glad we got that settled.
Love,
Teach
* No students were harmed, touched, or felt threatened in the making of this demonstration. In fact, everyone laughed, including the one student who I would even be physically able to chokeslam.
** I cannot be sure if it was the real Frederick Douglass, but I have two reasons to believe it was him: 1) he introduced himself as Frederick, and 2) he repeatedly asked me if I had told them about his birthday. ("Yes, yes, we covered that in the introduction," I reassured him.)
