This story is just more proof that I'm insane.
I bought a thin, black turtleneck this weekend to go under several warmer-weather dresses that I have because a) I’m a Puritan and adore anything concealing, b) layering is much cheaper than buying new clothes, and c) if I wear thick turtlenecks I will drown in my own sweat. J. Crew has these turtlenecks they’ve named whisper turtlenecks because they’re thin, and J. Crew can’t just call them thin turtlenecks because… well, it’s J. Crew. Also, I was able to use my teacher discount which made me raise the roof to my cashier.
Anyway, I’m wearing the whisper turtleneck today, and was walking around the back of the school after manning my station for morning duty. I walk around the back of the school instead of going through the middle for two reasons: a) I’m about to spend 8 hours in a room with roughly 30 people and I need all the alone time I can get, b) the back of the school looks out over the football field, and in the early morning it’s easy for me to pretend that the football field is actually an English meadow. (Believe it or not, I haven’t made it to the part where I prove that I’m insane.)
As I’m walking around the back of the school, looking out over the meadow behind my imaginary English cottage with a brown cow named Horace, I started thinking about my new whisper turtleneck.
What a funny name, I thought. Whisper turtleneck. Sounds like a command. Whisper turtleneck or I’ll kill you.
“Turtleneck,” I whispered out loud.
“What’d you say?”
I looked up, startled. A colleague of mine was about fifteen feet to my right, by the side of the building, grinning.
“Uh,” I laughed nervously. “Nothing. I didn’t see you there.”
“No,” he insisted. “You said something. What did you say?”
You asked for it, I thought.
“I whispered ‘turtleneck’ because I bought this turtleneck this weekend and it’s called a whisper turtleneck,” I said. I laughed, hoping he’d join in. He tipped his head to the side like a confused animal.
“Wait… what?” He’s a math teacher, and looked as if he was actually trying to figure out my situation as a word problem in his head. A teacher walks around the back of the school by herself whispering articles of clothing for entertainment. If she’s in her 20s, unmarried, and wearing a turtleneck, about how long will it take for her to acquire 40 cats and be on Hoarders at her current rate of crazy?
“Turtleneck,” I confirmed. “Welp, have a good one!”
I cackled all the way to my room.