Whisper Turtleneck

Monday, October 29, 2012




This story is just more proof that I'm insane.

I bought a thin, black turtleneck this weekend to go under several warmer-weather dresses that I have because a) I’m a Puritan and adore anything concealing,  b) layering is much cheaper than buying new clothes, and c) if I wear thick turtlenecks I will drown in my own sweat.  J. Crew has these turtlenecks they’ve named whisper turtlenecks because they’re thin, and J. Crew can’t just call them thin turtlenecks because… well,  it’s  J. Crew.  Also, I was able to use my teacher discount which made me raise the roof to my cashier.

Anyway, I’m wearing the whisper turtleneck today, and was walking around the back of the school after manning my station for morning duty.  I walk around the back of the school instead of going through the middle for two reasons: a) I’m about to spend 8 hours in a room with roughly 30 people and I need all the alone time I can get, b) the back of the school looks out over the football field, and in the early morning it’s easy for me to pretend that the football field is actually an English meadow. (Believe it or not, I haven’t made it to the part where I prove that I’m insane.)

As I’m walking around the back of the school, looking out over the meadow behind my imaginary English cottage with a brown cow named Horace, I started thinking about my new whisper turtleneck. 

What a funny name, I thought. Whisper turtleneck.  Sounds like a command.  Whisper turtleneck or I’ll kill you.

“Turtleneck,” I whispered out loud.

“What’d you say?”

 I looked up, startled. A colleague of mine was about fifteen feet to my right, by the side of the building, grinning.

“Uh,” I laughed nervously.  “Nothing.  I didn’t see you there.”

“No,” he insisted. “You said something.  What did you say?”

You asked for it, I thought.

“I whispered ‘turtleneck’ because I bought this turtleneck this weekend and it’s called a whisper turtleneck,” I said.  I laughed, hoping he’d join in.  He tipped his head to the side like a confused animal.

“Wait… what?” He’s a math teacher, and looked as if he was actually trying to figure out my situation as a word problem in his head.  A teacher walks around the back of the school by herself whispering articles of clothing  for entertainment.  If she’s in her 20s, unmarried, and wearing a turtleneck, about how long will it take for her to acquire 40 cats and be on Hoarders at her current rate of crazy?

“Turtleneck,” I confirmed. “Welp, have a good one!”

I cackled all the way to my room.

Love,

Teach

17 comments:

  1. Oh this just made me cry a little from laughing so much.

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  2. This is awesome... as are all of your posts.

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  3. Lol...I am married to a math teacher...I can see the exact expression you are describing :)

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  4. I do things like this regularly. My husband regularly looks at me, stops abruptly, and says, "What's wrong?" "Nothing?" I reply. "You looked like something was wrong." "Um, I was acting out a scene in my head; I guess it showed on my face." Yep.

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  5. I just found your blog and have enjoyed it so much! I have found myself in similar situations so many times before. I'm crying with laughter.
    I wish someone would publish a collection of your best posts as a book. I would love to gift it to other teachers!

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  6. I love turtlenecks! When my second graders are giving me frustration, I pull them up over my face like Bazooka Joe (you might be too young to understand that reference) and it makes us all laugh!
    Your posts are the best!

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  7. Oh! I am that teacher who talks to herself and has cats. I tell my students I have a a ridiculous number of cats that changes with each story. They think I am crazy, and I guess rightfully so. Thanks for the laugh!

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  8. HAHAHAHA. Just read this for the first time, and I cried a little. I don't do that often, so thanks!

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  9. I need to get some of those whisper turtlenecks. I wear turtlenecks from October to April because I feel warmer and now the added benefit is they hide my old--sometimes weird looking neck. Love your posts.

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  10. That is totally something I would do... it made sense to me whispering turtleneck... what does that say about me???

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  11. That's awesome. Way to confuse the math type people who confuse all us non-math type people all the time!

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  12. This may have been the funniest thing I have ever read in my entire life! Mostly because I say random things like this too :)

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  13. Dear Love Teach, you are my spirit animal. I think the whisper turtlenecks are back in season, I'm planning to buy one just so I can laugh about this story, and I want you to know you make every day I spend teaching much more bearable. You rock. Keep posting the best blog posts of all time ����

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