Charles

Monday, April 23, 2012




I’ve recently begun the slow and arduous process of cleaning out my classroom, which includes going through files on my computer.  Occasionally before or after school I will type up rough versions of blog posts that I will email to myself to return to later to edit and publish.  But sometimes I will save these posts at documents with names that have nothing to do with anything, and I will forget they are there.

Below is from a document I typed after school one day in December.

**************

Yesterday we got one of our babies back from the alternative education center to which he was sent last year for the remainder of 7th grade and part of 8th.  Allow me to call this student Charles. 

I knew that Charles was back before I even knew that Charles was back.  When the swarms of children made their way down the hall, the usual dragging of feet had been replaced with an air of excitement and fear.

“HE’S BACK!”  

"Lord Jesus, don't let him be in my classes..."

“I heard he already cussed out a teacher.”

“I heard he already killed a teacher.” 

Though our school is full of bad and sassy behavior, there is only one student who can incite that kind of reaction. When I finally saw Charles strolling down the hall, he already had a small legion of Charles Followers formed around him.  Tall and scowling, he acted like he owned the place, and everyone let him.  I heard him say “bro” about forty times.

I wondered who Charles would have for English.

I didn’t have to wonder long.  During our planning period later that day, a colleague of mine that also teaches 8th grade English informed me that, 15 minutes into first period, Charles had swung open the door (late), raised his arms toward the heavens and proclaimed, “What’s up, my niggas?"  My colleague, a first-year teacher, had written him up immediately, and now expressed his worry to me that his professional relationship with Charles was now irreparably damaged.

“I’m afraid he’s going to, you know, slash my tires or something.”

“I’ll take him,” I told my colleague.

“What?”

“I’ll take him if you want.”

 “Really?” My colleague had a look on his face as if I’d just said, “I’ll give you this family-sized bag of gummy bears if you want.”  (My colleague loves gummy bears.)

“Yeah.”

I once saw this TV show about a girl who pulled out her hair on purpose because it felt good-- her body released dopamine when she felt pain.  Unlike most people, this girl ushered pain into her life instead of avoiding it.  I’m beginning to think that we’re not so different, she and I.

This morning was Charles’s first day in my class.  I knew from the moment I offered to take Charles that there would be a major struggle of power, and I knew that it would have to occur before he even set foot in my room.  Driving to school felt like I was walking into a rodeo ring with a wild stallion, or riding my bike into a tornado.

Predictably, when I went to get Charles from my colleague’s class and take him to mine, he rolled his eyes and asked, “What I gotta go with you for?” I simply motioned for him to follow me.  He huffed and mumbled something. When I got to my door, I found a teacher there waiting to ask me a question.  Charles went to go inside, but I stopped him. 

“Wait over there, to the side of the door, until I’m finished with my conversation,” I said.

“Dog, why you gotta talk to me that way?”  (That’s right.  Unfortunately, “dog” is making its way back into the vernacular.)

“Oh,” I said calmly. “I’m not a dog.  I—“

“I ain’t gonna sit here, dog, and—“

“I wasn’t finished—“

“I said, bitch, I ain’t gonna let you—“

“INTERRUPT ME AGAIN,” I shouted.  “INTERRUPT ME AGAIN.”

This obviously jarred him.  He still rolled his eyes and huffed out his breath, but he was silent.  I hardly ever raise my voice, and there is not one teacher book that will tell you it’s a good idea, but in my experience, there have been exactly three times where it was necessary.  (I could be wrong.)

I turned to the teacher who had been waiting for me.  “I’m sorry,” I said. “Can you email me your question? I think I should probably take care of this first.”  I turned to Charles. Then I went straight from yelling to being extremely quiet, which is almost as frightening as it is when it’s the reverse.

“There are a few things you need to understand right now,” I said in a very quiet, low, and firm voice.  “You will not interrupt me.  You will not roll your eyes, smack your lips, or sigh around me.  And you will never, ever refer to me using words like that again.  I don’t know how you’ve been taught to treat women who are older than you, but you’re about to be re-taught right now.”

“In return,” I continued, easing up about two notches. “If I see that you can respect me and my rules, I’ll have all the respect in the world for you. I will take up for you.  I will have your back and vouch for you.  Do you know any teachers who would do that for you AFTER being treated that way?”

Then, as if on cue, a certain adult person at our school walked by.  He took one look at Charles and the fact that he was outside and scoffed loudly.

“Surprise, surprise,” he said. “Already in trouble.  Ms. Teach, don’t even worry about this one.  He’ll be back in alternative education faster than you can snap your fingers.  He knows it, too.”  He laughed dryly and brushed past me to go into my classroom to check for dress code.

I looked at Charles. He looked like he was ready to tear somebody’s head off.

“How did that feel?” I asked.

“That’s some bullshit,” Charles said.


"Why?" I asked.  He told me why it felt like shit to know that the person in charge doesn't believe in you. I let him talk.  Then it was my turn.

“Can you believe just a little bit that I want to respect you, and that I want you to respect me back?”

“Yeah.”

“Good.  Then the first thing you can start doing is saying ‘Yes, ma’am.’”

The door opened and the adult person stepped back out.

“Do you need my assistance with this one?” he asked. 

Charles opened his mouth to object.

“No,” I said firmly, and put a hand on Charles’s shoulder, much to my own surprise.  “I think Charles is going to do good things.  He’s a smart one.  Did you know this is my top class he’s transferring into?”

Our administrator started to say something, then raised one hand as if stopping himself.  “I’m not even going to respond to that,” he said, then walked off.  We waited until he was gone.

“The next thing you will need to learn is when to hold your tongue. Do you think you’re ready to go inside?” I asked Charles.

“Yes, ma’am,” he said.

*****************

That's all I had written.

As the adult person at my school had predicted, Charles was gone a few weeks later.  Despite his awesomeness in the confines of my classroom, he was written up by almost every other teacher, and several times found himself in arguments with the same adult person when I wasn’t around to shut him up.  Actually, the day he was removed from our school was during my first period, and he refused to leave my classroom.  Things became very scary, and that morning is still one of the most disturbing that I’ve experienced so far.

Had this happened during my first year of teaching, it would have probably completely undone me. But this year, I knew I could not afford to be undone. Even though I was sad, I had to trust that something had been planted in his heart in our time together, and that someone else (or even better, Charles himself) would water it. 

I can’t tell if that means I’m burning out or growing up.

Love,

Teach

Obsessions

Wednesday, April 18, 2012



You have probably figured out by now that I am not normal. Congratulations. Today I beckon you to come a bit further into my world of crazy.

I have two major teaching obsessions.  Minor teaching obsessions include wearing one of 4 black cotton jersey skirts at least 3 times a week, trying to push for legislation that forbids pencil tapping/pen-clicking, and avoiding static electric shocks from my file cabinet.  My major obsessions:

1) Getting 8 hours of sleep

First, let me tell you some people I could never marry and why.

-Another teacher.  For obvious reasons.

-A large sea animal veterinarian.  I have a fear of whales and other large sea creatures.  (Thank you, Monstro from Pinocchio.)


-Someone who is crazy, makes impulsive decisions, or is generally disorganized.  I am uninterested in marrying myself.  Also, our home and lives would fall apart in about 5 seconds.

-Anyone in the medical or counseling field.  They would tell me that my attachment to getting exactly 8 hours of sleep is purely psychological, and that I'm actually causing myself more stress by insisting that I get it.  They would tell me that people my age only need 6-8, and that that number can fluctuate normally based on a variety of factors.  All lies.  And I can't marry a liar.

If I don't get my 8 hours, I become frighteningly cranky AND I usually end up with a lunch that looks like it was packed by a tiny infant grabbing at items in the refrigerator indiscriminately. One time, I went to bed late and was so tired and rushed in the morning that I ended up with one whole red bell pepper, the last 3 slices of bread (still in the bag that it came in), and a bag of shredded parmesan cheese.  No, I did not bring utensils or condiments.  Yes, I did eat the red bell pepper like an apple.

2) Uniball Vision Elite Micro Pens


Recently, I lent my colleague one of my pens during our planning period.  The next day, I called her extension.

"Hey, do you have my pen?" I asked.
"What pen?"
"The one you borrowed yesterday."
"When? I don't think I borrowed a pen."
"During planning."
"During planning?  I don't think so... what does it look like?"
"It's a Uniball Vision Elite Micro. You know, it has a beveled silver clip, smooth body, and writes like black lightning."

Then she hung up on me. 

Just kidding.  Some of that conversation never happened.  She found the pen on her desk and returned it to me graciously and without referencing the obvious similarities between myself and the stapler guy from Office Space.  That's why I like her.

Yes, maybe I love my UVEMs a little too much.  Yes, maybe I should stop being so snobby/possessive, or buy cheaper pens.

But life is just too short to use ballpoint.

What are your obsessions?

Love,

Teach

Jost some tings

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Why haven't any of you slapped my hand(s)? It's been a week and a half since I've posted last.  That kind of behavior should not be tolerated.

I have a few things to share with you:

1) If you feel like your female students aren't respecting you, try painting your nails with OPI Russian Navy polish.  In the 2 hours that I have been at school today, I have received about 16 compliments from students who ordinarily dismiss me as a deranged lunatic.  Sometimes classroom management starts in your heart.  But sometimes it starts in your fangas.

2) I have bought and broken and/or have had stolen over 4 staplers this year.  This weekend, I went and bought a $25 stapler upon which I wrote my name and then "chained" to my desk.  This morning, I got a surprise delivery from our supply room coordinator.  It was the exact same $25 stapler.  I threw my head back and let out a primal yell that made my 1st period jump.

3) It's getting to be that time of year where I am super emotional.  This morning, we were reading Night by Elie Wiesel and came across this segment:

Yom Kippur.  The Day of Atonement.  Should we fast? The question was hotly debated.... I did not fast, mainly to please my father, who had forbidden me to do so.  But further, there was no longer any reason why I should fast.  I no longer accepted God's silence.  As I swallowed my bowl of soup, I saw in the gesture an act of rebellion and protest against Him.
And I nibbled my crust of bread.
In the depths of my heart, I felt a great void.

One of my students raised her hand, I thought, to ask a question.  But instead she said, "I think this is one of the saddest parts of the Holocaust." I nodded and then burst into tears.  And couldn't stop.  And then got the hiccups.  And then started laughing. And then went back to being sad, proud, and crazy.

4) I can't decide whether I should post next about my obsession with pens and other office supplies (see: my 2 new staplers totaling $50 in net worth), or my obsession with getting at least 8 hours of sleep.  With which of those unhealthy obsessions do you more closely identify?  That last sentence sounded weird.

Can you tell that I had two cups of coffee AND a Diet Coke today? Oops.

Love,

Teach

Right through the field of bacon

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Luckily for you, I taught haikus recently.

First, I showed a short video that outlined the history of haikus.  Then I reviewed what syllables are and how to find them.  Next, I showed several examples.  I modeled a few, then provided my students with two or three unfinished haikus where they had to finish the blanks, like:

The tight string broke and
The loose kite felt fluttering, 
_________________________

and

Hop out of my way,
Mister Frog, and allow me
________________________

Finally, I had them complete haikus on their own. 

Here were some haikus from my clam class.  They made me clasp my hands under my chin and make baby noises.

I see a rainbow
covering the city's sky
with seven colors.

You're so green and tall!
I like your bright, speckled face.
You are a sunflow'r.

The tight string broke and
the loose kite fell fluttering,
like a broken soul.

Hop out of my way, 
Mister Frog, and allow me
A frog-free lily.

And here were some haikus from my werewolf piranhas.  Are you ready?

Hop out of my way,
Mister Frog, and allow me
to eat dirty cats

There was a monkey.
I had captured the monkey.
I had to beat it.

A flash of lightning 
Right through the field of bacon
Better take a nap.

I seen a dead fly
It was a big stanky fly
I kill the big fly.

The tight string broke and
the loose kite fell fluttering.
A nice, warm cookie.

The tight string broke and
The loose kite fell fluttering
Right into my butt.

Look at a chicken.
In the sky up there with a
hat on his head.

Which ones do you want on a shirt?  I want one of each on seven different shirts that I can rotate every day of the week for the rest of my life.

(I don't know if you noticed, but they're all 5-7-5.)

Love,

Teach

Chamption

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Today I led a group of about 300 8th graders on a field trip to see the movie The Hunger Games.  As you can imagine (or probably not, unless you've ever planned and organized a field trip for 300 urban middle school students before), I am so tired that I am not entirely sure whether or not I've already fallen asleep and this is a dream.

However, in the event that this is not a dream, I wanted to mark the passage of today in my blog as one of my proudest days as a human being.  My coteacher and I have been working INSANE hours to make this field trip happen, and it did.  And it was without a single hitch or hiccup.  And our students behaved impeccably. And they loved the movie.  And the bus drivers and movie theater people complimented our students' behavior and our group's organization.

I am a crazy person and am often cranky outside of school.  My moods are tempestuous (as evident in the difference between this post and the last), and I have a number of physical setbacks, including eyebrows that, if left un-plucked, could be nested in by birds. I do MANY stupid and embarrassing things and I don't know much at all about teaching, but today I feel like a champion.

I almost typed "chamption."  I'm that, too.

Love,

Teach
a95328aaaa