"Reply All" Fail

A few weeks ago during lunch, some coworkers and I were sharing stories of email troubles, text or picture messages being sent to the wrong recipient*, and other times that either technology or our brains have really let us down.  It occurred to me during our lunch time that I had not yet shared this story with you.

I had been in an email thread for most of the morning with my team talking about the lesson plans for the next two weeks.  To keep everyone in the loop, I had gotten in the habit of using the “Reply All” button when answering questions.

Reply All! The literature book actually has tons of great short plays! Send!

Reply All! Here are my guesses based on our state's withholding attitude towards state testing!  Send!

Reply All! Nope!  Send!

Then, I got another email from a staff member (who is incidentally one of my favorite humans) asking how we planned to address interventions for our weakest standards in the weeks leading up to the state standardized test so that she could put the information on a parent letter home.   Thinking it was still just my team and me who were sent the email, I hit “Reply All” with:

A few minutes later, I got an email back from an ADMINISTRATOR that said

First, I grabbed my hair and said most of the bad words I know.  Then I laughed.  Then I said more bad words.  Then I frantically wrote an email back (and replied all) apologizing for my idiocy.  My administrator wrote back and said she had experienced much, much worse accidental “Reply All’s. I would kill to know what they were.

Have you ever accidentally sent a bad email?  Tell me immediately so that I can laugh at/with you.

Love,

Teach

*The picture message conversation, as I’m sure you can imagine, was HILARIOUS.

Ze Winner!

Thanks to everyone who played the rhyme scheme game!  Clearly I need to make my contests harder because you were all right!  The rhyme scheme of my illness poem was AABCCB, also known as the Spanish Sestet, also known as the Sextilla, which makes me giggle.

This is how I determined the weiner!

Because I am still not feeling well (the newest diagnosis is bronchitis), I knew I would not be able to attach bread to clothespins for our family dog to hunt down like last time.  It would have to be something I could do remaining pretty motionless.  First, I enlisted the help of Impartial Judge #1.

As you can see, the reception in my apartment is terrible, my phone was near death, and I did not explain the random word generator or the contest very well at all. 

Then Mom didn't understand (she didn't know about the Starbucks gift card prize).

But we love her anyway!

Then I took the names of the participants and typed them into this shmancy list generator: 

Randomized it 6 times, per Mom's orders (you can see in the screenshot below.)  And the winner, name number 9, iiiiiiiiiis...

JACKIE! 

I will email you your Starubucks eGift card shortly :)

(I almost typed "shorty," which would have been funny.)

Thanks to everyone for playing!  It was fun for me to have something to occupy my time while sitting here being weak and coughy and lame. 

Love,

Teach

Mono: A Lyric Poem in 7 Stanzas (and a game)

"Mono"

Swollen tonsils had I

And a cough that was dry

On a Monday not long ago

I saw a doctor, to be sure

(The kind that's in a drugstore)

"It is strep," she said. "Here's some drugs. It will go."

"I'm so sorry-- my bad!

Strep's not what you have,"

Said the doc later over the phone.

"Call us back in two days

If you still have malaise."

I hung up with a sigh and a groan.

Back at school, I felt better

(Though not totally better)

But enough to get through and be fine.

Then on Friday around 2

Chills and fever (the flu?)

And a feeling of way too much wine.

I slumped back to the doc

"The malaise! Make it stop!"

I pleaded and started to cry.

"With your fever and fatigue

This is out of my league.

To the ER," she said. (This was around five.)

Then two glorious friends

In their Mercedes Benz*

To the nearest ER chauffeured me. 

It was nice with clean floors

Chick Fil-a was next door

And the doctor came quick as could be.

"I think it's mono," he said.

"I hope not," I said.

"You show symptoms," he said once more.

"I hope it's not," I said.

"I'll write you a work note," he said.

"I hope it's not," I said, which he ignored.

And so now I wait

For the gods of fate

On Monday to confirm or deny

Whether this plague that infests

My head, throat, and chest

Is mono, or, hopefully, a lie.

The moral of this poem? Choosing the least coverage option for insurance (i.e. doctors in drugstores) may seem like a good idea, especially if you are never sick… until you are actually sick.  Adding this to my list of new teacher mistakes to avoid.

Now for the game! If you can tell me the rhyme scheme of my poem by 9:00 AM tomorrow morning (02/25), you will be in the running to receive a Starbucks E-gift card!  You don't have to be first, you just have to be right. Be sure to include your email so that I can reward you :) 

Love,

Teach

*It may or may not have been a Benz.  I had a fever.  And needed a rhyme.

Quarantine: 6 Teacher-Tested Home Remedies

Usually, my immune system is braggable.  In the past two years, I've been "sick" MAYBE twice, and neither of them lasted more than a couple of days. To get to this level of braggability, I had to spend almost the entire first year of teaching just cycling through all the middle school colds, bugs, infections, viruses, and strains of flu, one after the other.  But, like a lot of things that happen in the first year of teaching, it made me stronger (physically, in this case). Having made it to the other side, I usually feel confident enough to play "Spin the Bottle" in any given doctor's waiting room in America and be completely fine.*

But today I am sick.  I started feeling gross this weekend, then took the afternoon off to go to the doctor. Turns out I have strep and am to be quarantined for 48 hours!  I said, "Doctor, can I go back to school after 24 hours instead of 48 if my fever goes down?" and she said, "Do you tell your students they only have to do half of their homework?" Touche, doctor lady. Here are my go-to remedies I'll be using over the next 48 hours.  Some are from Pinterest, some are from witchdoctors, some are from my mind.  Feel free to use them yourself or pass them onto someone else who's not feeling well and likes reading things written by a crazy person under the additional influence of a fever.

1) This crazy-ass detox bath.

I don't use the hydrogen peroxide because I'm terrified it will burn off me fair Scottish sken, but I do use the ground ginger.  Instead of the hydrogen peroxide I use about 1-2 cups of Epsom salt and like half a cup of baking powder.  You'll sweat obscenely afterwards, but I like to think it's all the impurities/toxins/diseases running like hell out of my pores.  

2) Whole Foods' broccoli cheese soup.

This kind of soup in particular is probably not the kind of soup one should be eating while sick.  Don't care.  So delicious, and not overly cheesy like most broccoli cheeses are.  I can't find a picture of the real thing.

3) Cinnamon + honey

In college, the man who ran the convenience store on the first floor of our dorm was like a grandpa to everyone.  One day I was sick and shuffled over to the medicine area and started thumbing through cold relief meds.

"You sick, baby?" he asked.

"Yes," I said pathetically. 

"Sore throat?"

I nodded.

"Don't waste your money on this," he said. "Get you a teaspoon of local honey and a teaspoon of cinnamon.  Mix it together and eat it just like you would a spoonful of cereal.  Twice a day.  You'll be cured in 24 hours." 

It has cured my allergy-related illnesses 99% of the time.  (I don't think strep falls under that category, but I just wanted you to know about it.)  The best part is that it tastes nice!  

4) Eucalyptus oil on the bottom of your feet

Put like 4-6 drops on the soles of your feet and rub it in and put socks on.  It'll stop your coughing super fast and as a bonus you'll smell like a woodland fairy princess (or prince.) 

5) Any period piece film with a happy ending.  

These movies won't bring on coughing fits with excessive laughter or have nausea-inducing graphics (unless you count Mr. Bingley's sister from Pride and Prejudice). The music is soothing and there is plenty of pretty scenery to trick your body into thinking you're getting Vitamin D and fresh air.  My favorites: Sense and Sensibility, Emma, Pride and Prejudice (old and new), Jane Eyre (new only), and Shakespeare in Love if you're good at ignoring the historically inaccurate.

6) If you're blessed enough to have Bluebell available to you, this flavor:

If you're not, you can settle for this flavor:

Oh, and like, fluids and rest and stuff.

What do you do when you're sick?  

Love,

Teach

*Hoping that was the grossest comparison you've heard all day.  I feel pretty confident about it.

How to Survive Valentine’s Day: A Guide for New Teachers

Thursday will be my third Valentine’s Day as a teacher.  My first two Valentine’s Days taught me some important survival skills.

1) Don’t expect them to learn anything. Or at least not anything new.  A difficult topic or a new unit will get absolutely no retention because of the combined blood sugar level and, if you teach between 5^th and 12^th grade, hormones level.  See illustration below.

I would recommend a review day.  Or a penmanship day.  Or a class competition of wall-sits.

2) Have Kleenex handy.  I think I average about 3 criers per VD. Helena is upset because Jessica bought candygrams for everyone BUT her!  Reggie is outraged because all Esmerelda got him was a little teddy bear, but he got her a big teddy bear! Lily is devastated that her boyfriend from her anime graphic novel is, in fact, not real!

Also, let me go ahead and not abbreviate Valentine’s Day anymore.

3) If you decide to give out candy, DON’T DO IT AT THE BEGINNING OF CLASS.  Do it with about three minutes left.  Then play dumb when their next period teacher confronts you angrily in the parking lot after school.

4) Have a clever response handy for “Miss/Mister, who’s your valentine?”/ “Are you going on a Valentine’s date?”/ “Is (insert any teacher’s name of the opposite sex) your Valentine?”  I’ve come up with some responses for you to choose from.  (Use discretion based on your kids’ ages and the likelihood that they will tell on you.)

Response A: “I’m asexual.”

Response B: “My parents don’t let me go on dates yet.”

Response C:“Having a valentine violates my parole.”

Response D: “I don’t know; haven’t heard back from your mom yet!”  I am kidding.  Please don’t use this one. Or please do and let me know what happens.

Also, the blank stare is always weird and effective.

5) Wear red or pink so that you don’t get asked 800 times why you aren’t wearing red or pink.

Good luck and may God have mercy on us all.

Love,

Teach

I don't really think it's fair for me to participate in this Monday because I'm a hologram

I have 25 unread emails in my inbox right now.

That little red light on my phone is blinking (meaning I have voicemails).

Since it’s testing season, this week kicks off massive school-wide tutorials before and after school and occasionally on Saturdays.

I was out on Friday and my bookshelf area now looks like a war zone.

I have four mandatory meetings this week that require so much time and preparation that I’m considering walking in to each one of them dressed like Princess Leia so that I can be dismissed immediately for insanity.  (30 Rock, anyone?)

But I have this written out on my desk by my computer:

“It comes the very moment you wake up each morning.  All your wishes and hopes for the day rush at you like wild animals.  And the first job each morning consists in simply shoving them all back; in listening to that other voice, taking that other point of view, letting that other larger, stronger, quieter life come flowing in.  And so on, all day.  Standing back from all your natural fussings and frettings; coming in out of the wind.” –C.S. Lewis

Let’s come in out of the wind this Monday.

Love,

Princess Leia Teach