14 Reasons Why I Will Die Alone

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Most of the time, I love being a single gal teaching in a big city.

But sometimes, like this week, I take a look at my life and realize that I will probably die alone and that my body will be eaten by coyotes.

Because it's Tuesday and everyone knows that Tuesdays are for whining, I give you:

14 Reasons Why I Will Die Alone

1) I don't go out anymore because I'm tired all the time. If I do happen to be persuaded to venture out beyond the confines of my apartment, car, and classroom, I'm usually:
  • With a pack of other teachers 
  • Wearing my faculty shirt that has a giant paw print on it
  • Sporting stray pen marks and dry erase marker ruboff on my arms because I erase my white board with my forearms now, like a Neanderthal
  • Yawning at 8:00 and telling anyone who will listen how I'd rather be in my pajamas
Line up, fellas.

2) I for sure won't meet anyone at school. The male teachers at my school are either:
  • Married
  • Have caught me whispering to my clothing
  • Have said the following words to me, "Did you forget your comb today? Haha. Relax, I'm just kidding. I actually think your hair looks nice like that."
  • Also crazy and our offspring would be genetically forced into a disturbing brand of weird
  • Maybe too normal, which says a lot about how weird I've become
3) I basically have been controlling my own life for the past several years now, and I'm not sure I could handle not being in control anymore. Isn't that an attractive quality?

4) I bought these plastic mystical ponies at Target tonight.


What? Why? I have no answers to these questions.

5) See my fingernails in the above picture.

6) Because I live in a large city, I've learned to walk with a sense of purpose so that strange men don't approach me to say gross things. However, I am now so good at this that NOBODY approaches me.

7) These are my recently used emojis:



8) I have limited interaction with the male species due to my schedule, so when I am around a guy that is even marginally attractive or nice to me, my body betrays me and I can't stop giggling, sweating, or saying super weird things like facts about dolphins that I learned from a podcast P.S. it's this one and it's amazing.

9) Looking cute is time-consuming, expensive, and I give up. My student teacher has offered to help me, so that's hopeful. I told her I may have time next March.

10) I am too afraid to have kids anymore. I used to want to crank out so many kids it would require some kind of commune to raise them all, but teaching has made me realize that kids, while lovely, are mostly just fragile and dangerous creatures. They're basically walking Ziploc bags full of organs that sass you sometimes. Also, I blame my lack of interest on my pregnant coworkers and their absolutely horrifying daily updates on what pregnancy does to your body. Thanks for nothing, pregnant coworkers!


11) My standards are warped because of my literature man crushes, which may be the dorkiest thing ever typed in human history.

12) I'm looking into taking a quilting class at the suggestion of my pen pal.

13) I just believe that the above sentence should probably count twice in my list of reasons I will die alone.

14) Someone has been lingering outside my window listening to the radio on speakerphone for the past several minutes. So I may actually die alone tonight.

I know that I won't really die alone-- I'm just being dramatic. I'll die surrounded by my books, my lifelong companions.

 Love,

Teach



92 comments:

  1. I really really really want you to find that guy who appreciates your complete awesomeness. When I figure out where the heck he is, I will warn him of your adorable sweatiness and send him your way.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, Kim! Glad to have you in my corner :)

      Just realized my sweatiness still applies in the boxing metaphor! Hooray!

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    2. you sound like just the girl for me, however i realize that because of the world we live in me simply replying to your post in an environment like this makes me sound weird. i just want to say i hope i'm lucky enough to meet a girl like you one day and i wish you all the luck and happiness in the world.

      Delete
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  2. You are too funny to die alone and will someday meet someone who understands your delightful sense of humor! I could write a 53-year-old divorced teacher's version of this post and it would not even be half as entertaining, although I too like to be in my pajamas by 8 p.m.! Keep calm, teach on, stay hopeful, and just wait and watch for your modern-day Mr. Darcy!
    ~Jennifer

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    Replies
    1. You really are the best, JReyn!!!! *hugs*

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  3. Or, you could meet the man of your dreams on an online dating service as I did at age 48. We were not only teaching the same subject and grade level in different districts, we were both members of the same local organizations, had tickets to the same conferences, had the same books and music on the shelves (aside from his Grateful Dead collection) and we had gone to the same college at the same time in the '70's, 800 miles from where we met. We married 7 years ago. Now we will die together, buried under an avalanche of Scantrons and IEP notices.

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    Replies
    1. That's quite unusual! You are a lucky woman! I was once 48, but alas, a generation has passed. Something Eddie Kendricks said a while back has become my mantra now, 'Keep on truckin', baby!'

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  4. This made me laugh. Loudly.

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  5. You are the funniest person on the Internet. No way you are allowed to be alone forevs. Just put a mystical pony under your pillow and dream of the perfect, appropriately weird Prince Charming just for you!

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  6. Um, heck yeah. I agree with all of this. You have to be a really special person to want kids after working with kids all day. Like can I handle taking care of another human being? Probably not. Can you really find a guy who's better than books? No, not that I've seen.

    Please read the Grisha Trilogy (Shadow and Bone, Storm and Siege, and Ruin and Rising) by Leigh Bardugo. I'd love to fangirl with you and like a bunch of other people about it, but NO ONE I KNOW READS IT. Le sigh.

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  7. Just wanted to say that I love your blog. This was hysterical. I am a first-year teacher, and I wanted sooooo badly to start a blog, chronically my middle school adventures. Guess what? I have no time. In fact, its almost 10pm, and I have yet to eat an actual meal today. And I have a lesson to plan. And.....nevermind. So keep up the awesome work and thanks for making me smile :)

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  8. I never think blogs are funny and I am literally laughing so hard. I wish I wasn't in your same boat but I definitely am but at least you can laugh at yourself :) Seriously, hilarious.

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  9. Bahahaha! It's my life! Thanks for the tears of laughter this morning!

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  10. I can definitely relate to this list. It's just after 9 here. I didn't get around to eating dinner until 8, which consisted of eggs because I was starving and lacking the patience for anything that took longer than 5 minutes. My right hand is full of ink from grading endless stacks of tests with my beloved flair pens (seriously... it's an addiction) despite the fact that I've showered and washed my hands like eleventy bajillion times since getting home from school. I'm in PJs the second I walk in the door, so please, no one ask me go out to dinner or anything else "fun" after work, please!

    Ok... my eyes are burning... time for bed!

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  11. I feel like you have just written about my life. I am currently sitting at my desk wondering what excuse I can use to get out of a Robbie Williams concert tonight because I. Am. Just. Too. Tired.

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  12. Lordy, we are kindred spirits. LOL

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  13. This is my fifth year teaching and I am in the same exact boat! However, instead of buying ponies in the Target One Spot I bought the Frozen headbands...

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    Replies
    1. I needed a new IPhone case and bought the $2.50 My Little Pony one having never seen an episode in my life and not knowing what it really was until I looked it up later.

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  14. We both have the same reasons for thinking we'll never have kids, too many stories from pregnant co-workers! That and I witnessed both of my nephews' births. It cannot be unseen...

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  15. I'm not nearly as funny as you are, but I can completely empathize with this blog post!

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  16. 1) You could put a few of those magical ponies on top of your desktop at school, or as little guardians of the pencil sharpener! Or just put them in weird places in your apartment, forget about them, and smile when you find one in your sock drawer three months later.

    2) Please watch the classic "Bridget Jones's Diary" if you haven't already. It is almost as funny as you!

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  17. this is me! and I found an incredible guy, better than the books, *at work* on a Saturday because yes I love my job so much that I was there doing manual labor over the weekend.

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  18. This is hilarious - however I think you just described me!!!

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  19. So I just listened to the dolphin podcast. Totally sucked me in. I can't wait for a lull in some future conversation.

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  20. I absolutely adored this post! Thanks for making me laugh and nod along with you!
    Erin
    Short and Sassy Teacher

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  21. Well friend, while we both might die alone, I am relieved to know I won't be the only one doing it. A few notes from this side: at the elementary school I work at there literally are no men and the guy who delivers bread to the cafeteria is looking better by the day. Also, I would have to add a number 15 about the fact that I talk so much that I think I am developing a diagnosable stutter- so that's exciting. Just wanted you to know you're not alone in being crazy and alone. Keep fighting the good fight and such!

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  22. I feel all of this things. All of them. I refuse to get a cat because I know then it's really the end. Also, now I want my own bag of Mystical Ponies.

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    Replies
    1. I, too, am all of those things AND I have cats so I guess I really am destined to .....you know......

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  23. Loved reading this, you made me laugh. A lot.

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  24. This is so hilarious! I tried to read it to my daughter, who is currently getting her credential, but I couldn't stop laughing! #5 and #13 are the best!

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  25. O-M-G, this is me! I've been teaching for 9 years at the elementary level and everything on this list is me! What is really going to seal my #foreveralone deal is the bossiness factor--I like it MY way!! & the talking to myself probably doesn't help or the crazy post-its everywhere...thanks for the lolz. PS-totally buying those ponies to put in my prize box!

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  26. Thanks for a fun Friday morning laugh! Hide the plastic ponies and you will be fine!

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  27. I am married and still do all these things! Plus you will always have your weirdo, loving army of kiddos, and therefore, you shall never be alone.

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  28. Not only are you the funniest thing on the Internet, your readers are pretty hilarious, too. You will not die alone because my son is your perfect match...is 22 too young? Well, almost 22. But he acts like 35, so that should count for something.

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  29. Are you me? Did I write this? If your students were kindergarteners I would think I sleep-write or something.

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    Replies
    1. Are you wearing no pants right now and drinking coffee and eating an English muffin off a plate that features a French man saying, "Bonsoir"? If so, are definitely in some time-space-continuum glitch!

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  30. Can relate to all of that especially the fingernails.Sharing with other teacher friends.

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  31. Why are we not best friends? We're basically the same person. Yes to all of the above. I literally went out last night (for the first outing in weeks) with my teacher friends, wearing a paw print school shirt because I didn't have time to go hone and change. Also, to add to the male co-worker thing. .. The only single male at school uses it as his personal dating service and he's already locked on to the third grade teacher who is much younger and more put together. Haha. Keep writing, I love it!

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  32. There's always the summer!

    I had resigned myself to being alone for many of the reasons you enumerate here. Then I met my now husband at a pirate festival over the summer.

    On our first date, I was so nervous I got into info dump mode, and regaled him with facts like "The Colorado River doesn't reach the ocean anymore." He ended up finding me fascinating.

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  33. Love it. Same life but I'm married for 26 years. (My husband is jealous of my students).

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  34. I teach middle school science & recently bought grow maggots for my students. How attractive is that? Lol

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    Replies
    1. I teach high school and bought my students duckweed^^

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  35. OMG. YOU ARE SO HILARIOUS!! WE ALL THINK WE ARE YOU!! From a 1st Grade teacher: Why don't they just build dorms @ the schools & then we could save time, trouble. & fuel!! Married but seems like to mountains of work instead of my husband! I spend more time THERE or on work I brought home from THERE. Didn't use to be like this~~ What happened?? Missing the old days. It's still an AmaZing fun job but..... If I wasn't already married it would never happen!

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  36. I just read this to my husband (we're both teachers). He asked, "Is this the same person who posted all her thoughts from back to school night?" "Yes." "She's so funny!" "Yes." "She should have someone who loves her. Funny people deserve that."

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    1. DAHHH, so sweet! Tell your husband thanks a lot for making me cry. :)

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  37. This made me laugh out loud today. ��

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  38. I'm in school planning to be a teacher and I feel like this already describes so much of my life. At least you can pull the "I'm a teacher" excuse for buying random things at Target. I can't do that yet so would someone please explain to me why I always come home with random stationary and pens? Maybe I'll color with them while listening to that dolphin podcast.

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  39. It's ok. The people with the poo emoji in their most recent (preferably top 10) are the only people that can be my friends.

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  40. I felt like I had to come back and comment on this post. Not long after I first read this, I found those mystical ponies in Target and immediately bought them, because how could I not? But I would just like to say that I ended up using them as math manipulatives for one of my students (I teach high school students with moderate to severe disabilities), and had a complete breakthrough with her counting skills. Never doubt the power of impulse buys at Target.

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  41. FYI,dating the male version. I think its cute when he comes home covered in marker, impressive that he knows more princesses than myself, still in awe over his excitement about lesson plans, we hang out at home and usually watch the end of every movie alone because he's asleep by 9:30, I
    dont see him for a week at a timedue to grading papers, standardized tests, etc. Wouldn't trade him for anything, I'm so in awe of his love for teaching! You'll find that guy, dont worry :)

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  42. Just finished reading your entry and all the comments. So funny. I retired after teaching for 37 years. Before I retired I never went away for the weekend without at least one stack of papers. I told my husband that if I died to put the papers in my coffin and I would get to them eventually. Keep smiling.

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  43. I married my PLC partner teacher and life is awesome! We get to ride to work together, gossip about co-workers, giggle at inside jokes during meetings and generally have a blast teaching the same subject together. We did have a daughter of our own who is three, so we both give each other breaks when some alone time is needed. We also encourage each other to leave the papers at work, grade using rubrics to cut down on comments (this really helps with five sections of 11th and 12th English, all at 40-42 students per class), and dedicate our time at home to our family. But I also laughed so hard at your blog because I didn't meet my teacher-prince charming until almost twenty years of teaching passed by, and knew I would die alone because the lack of time or energy for a social life, and the fact that the ratio of women to men in education works against the ladies. But it finally happened. I guess the moral to this story is that guys should actively seek out teachers to date. So many of us are fantastically fun, super intelligent and very nurturing.

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    Replies
    1. Good advice on guys dating teachers, but once you're retired, it's a different world. 32 years, it's hard to believe it's over! But one must move on...

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  44. Hahahahha that's so sad. And funny

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  45. So sharing this on my FB page so that my non-teacher friends get me just a little better and realize I am not the only one out there that does the "crazy" things that I do-thanks :)

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  46. There is a really good chance you are my long lost twin. This was EXACTLY on mark and hilarious! :D

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  47. Two words,,, online dating. Try plenty of fish.

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  48. L-O-L. Yes, I too could have written this! Sort of comforting, in an odd way, to know I'm not the only one!!

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  49. No. 6 . That's me right there, except sometimes I have my headphones on and am singing to myself.

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  50. Funny post I was feeling self doubt and pity after never having a REAL relationship after 26 years of life. This article is funny and laughing about life is what is most important. I have literally never fallen in love nor has
    anyone loved me. I have had a lot of meanlingless sex which always makes me feel depressed afterwards and reminds me of how truly lonely I am. The women who I do like end up ditching me. My heart is caliced. I don't feel the pain of heartbreak anymore, only mild disappointments.

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  51. Crap, I have those same ponies!!! We need to start an retirement home for old teachers so we won't have to die alone... we can just die with other crazy teacher people!

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  52. This is the same problem I have! I blogged about it once too, how NO ONE wants to hear about curriculum standards or behavior problems or that one time my student said the funniest thing ever (!!). I recently went on a date where he asked me if I have heard of IN-VEST-MENTS. Real slow and loud like I was hard of hearing. When I remarked that I was not stupid, he replied, "well youre justa kindergarten teacher so I didn't know." THANKS.

    My teaching experience sounds very similar to yours, I am glad I found your blog!

    Meredith
    The Big Apple Teacher

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  53. I love this post! I could definitely relate to most of it :) Netflix is my best friend and hubby. Thanks for sharing!

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  54. In my 28th year of teaching, at the age of 50, I met the world's most gentle, loving, generous, and wonderful man. He praises me all the time for the work I do, and all that goes into it. I knew he was a keeper! We just married less than three weeks ago. You deserve someone equally wonderful and understanding of the thug life of a teacher! :-)

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  55. You are so funny. I truly didn't think I would meet someone in my town either. Then, in the middle of a strike, he and I met... on the side of the road. Totally unexpected and wonderful.

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  56. Glad I found this blog... I have laughed like crazy. Looking forward to reading more entries when it's not 12:20 am... Must get in bed -- my homeroom will be waiting for me bright and early Monday morning.

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  57. I'm in my 20s and I don't know how worried you actually are about dying alone (and this post is really old [congratulations on 5 years of teaching! This year have been my fifth if I hadn't chosen to stop after three years of Title I teaching and moving to a different state.]). In year 3 I knew that teaching was not going to lend itself to any situation where I could meet anybody due to the perpetual teacher clothing/look and the teacher walk if I ever did make it out, which was never with having 6 different preps each day spanning 3 subjects, so I was resigned to weekends and evenings of working late at school or working late at home. One night, I happened to choose school because of its less chaotic state bypassing the risk of the papers becoming part of a growing fire hazard in the corner of my living room when these guys came in to change the light bulbs. For some reason, one of them wanted to talk to the crazy girl still at work 3 hours after "work" was over surrounded by a pile of papers with peeling nail polish. Of course, this was the first time anyone had asked me out in three years, so when he did, all I could do was giggle and tell him I was really busy with no time but that he smelled really good, which didn't make any sense because he was working. Of course, I had been around middle school kids all day everyday and we were still standing in a classroom that had been overly crowded with middle school children for most of the day, so his personal scent was amazing in comparison. I also told him some weird tidbit inspired by one of my informative posters on the wall, which is something else most normal people do not say in a flirtatious moment I'm sure. But somehow I found a spot for him by telling him I was planning on watching the high school football game that Friday because some of my cheerleaders would be there and he said we should have dinner first and he'd go with me. Now we are engaged so you never know. I wish you the best this year at your more affluent school.

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  58. Hahhhaha..its your dramatic thinking only..don't worry you will not die alone you have a lovely student around you....
    Well in your place call DEVOLSON but in my place call DEVOLSOND...huhuhu..its because I being audit by supervisor.. Huhuhu

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
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  65. Good day,,,,
    Read my testimony!!! Getting ex back after a breakup. Am Cora L. Sanchez 30 from UK, my boyfriend of a 2year just broke up with me and am 28 weeks pregnant. I have cried my self to sleep most of the nights and don’t seem to concentrate during lectures sometimes I stay awake almost all night thinking about him and start to cry all over again. Because of this I end up not having energy for my next day’s classes, my attendance has dropped and am always in uni and on time. Generally he is a very nice guy, he ended it because he said we were arguing a lot and not getting along. He is right we’ve been arguing during the pregnancy a lot. After the break up I kept ringing him and telling him I will change. I am in love with this guy and he is the best guy I have ever been with. I’m still hurt and in disbelief when he said he didn’t have any romantic feelings towards me anymore that hurt me faster than a lethal syringe. He texts me now and then mainly to check up on how am doing with the pregnancy, he is supportive with it but it’s not fair on me, him texting me as I just want to grieve the pain and not have any stress due to the pregnancy. i was really upset and i needed help, so i searched for help online and I came across a website that suggested that Dr Ahmed can help solve marital problems, restore broken relationships and so on. So I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and he told me what to do and i did it then he did a spell for me. 22 hours later, my boyfriend came to me and apologized for the wrongs he did and promise never to do it again. Ever since then, everything has returned back to normal. I and my boyfriend are living together happily again.. All thanks to Dr Ahmed. as it is a place to resolve marriage/relationship issues, do you want to be sure if your spouse is being faithful to you or Do you want your Ex to come back to you Contact.: E-mail: Ahmedutimate@gmail.com or call/Whats-app: +2348160153829 save your crumbling home and change of grades its 100% safe. I suggest you contact him. He will not disappoint you.

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    1. No Matter What Happened. You Can Get Your Ex Back And Save Your Marriage Today!
      “4 weeks ago my husband left me and our 3 kids for another woman and I want him back. I Love him with all of my heart and I will do anything to get him back, i was so frustrated and i could not know what next to do again, I cry all day and night for God to send me a helper to get back my man. I became very worried and needed help. as i was browsing through the internet one day, I came across a website that suggested that Dr.Unity can help get ex back fast and stop a divorce or breakup and so on. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and told him my problems and he told me what to do and i did it and he did a (Lover spell) for me. 28 hours later, my husband came to me and apologized for the wrongs he did and promise never to do it again. Ever since then, everything has returned back to normal. I and my family are living together happily again. Dr.Unity is the best online spell caster that is powerful and genuine. If you have any problem contact him and i guarantee you that he will help you. Here’s his contact: Email him at: Unityspelltemple@gmail.com , you can also call him or add him on whats-app: +2348071622464 ,Website: http://unityspelltemple.yolasite.com

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  69. Replies
    1. Hey guys, I'm so excited of getting my husband back after he left me and our 3 kids for another woman.
      After 2 years of marriage, me and my husband has been into one quarrel or the other until he finally left me and moved to California to be with another woman. i felt my life was over and my kids thought they would never see their father again. i tried to be strong just for the kids but i could not control the pains that torments my heart, my heart was filled with sorrows and pains because i was really in love with my husband. Every day and night i think of him and always wish he would come back to me, I was really upset and i needed help, so i searched for help online and I came across a website that suggested that Dr Unity can help get ex back fast. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and he told me what to do and i did it then he did a (Love spell) for me. 28 hours later, my husband really called me and told me that he miss me and the kids so much, So Amazing!! So that was how he came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and he apologized for his mistake,and for the pain he caused me and the kids. Then from that day,our Marriage was now stronger than how it were before,All thanks to Dr Unity. he is so powerful and i decided to share my story on the internet that Dr Unity real and powerful spell caster who i will always pray to live long to help his children in the time of trouble, if you are here and you need your Ex back or your husband moved to another woman, do not cry anymore, contact this powerful spell caster now. Here’s his contact: Email him at: Unityspelltemple@gmail.com ,you can also call him or add him on Whats-app: +2348071622464 ,his website:http://unityspelltemple.yolasite.com . Jessica, 26 years, Texas, USA.

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  70. Hey guys, I'm so excited of getting my husband back after he left me and our 3 kids for another woman.
    After 2 years of marriage, me and my husband has been into one quarrel or the other until he finally left me and moved to California to be with another woman. i felt my life was over and my kids thought they would never see their father again. i tried to be strong just for the kids but i could not control the pains that torments my heart, my heart was filled with sorrows and pains because i was really in love with my husband. Every day and night i think of him and always wish he would come back to me, I was really upset and i needed help, so i searched for help online and I came across a website that suggested that Dr Unity can help get ex back fast. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and he told me what to do and i did it then he did a (Love spell) for me. 28 hours later, my husband really called me and told me that he miss me and the kids so much, So Amazing!! So that was how he came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and he apologized for his mistake,and for the pain he caused me and the kids. Then from that day,our Marriage was now stronger than how it were before,All thanks to Dr Unity. he is so powerful and i decided to share my story on the internet that Dr Unity real and powerful spell caster who i will always pray to live long to help his children in the time of trouble, if you are here and you need your Ex back or your husband moved to another woman, do not cry anymore, contact this powerful spell caster now. Here’s his contact: Email him at: Unityspelltemple@gmail.com ,
    you can also call him or add him on Whats-app: +2348071622464 ,
    his website:http://unityspelltemple.yolasite.com ,
    Jessica, 26 years, Texas, USA .

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